Ever since I have come to Mumbai, I have developed this deep phobia for the Potato(note how I am treating it like a person). One might think that it is only a common vegetable which harmlessly finds its way into ones plate in some form or the other. One might also think that I’m unnecessarily getting paranoid…
BUT TRUST ME…ITS EVIL….NOOO NOOOO NOOOOO… (starts stabbing himself lest he is forced to eat mashed potatoes for dinner)
But seriously… I used to be a respected Aloo loving citizen before I came to Bombay. In fact, I was a BIG fan of French fries(I’ve always wondered why they were called French fries though..I mean..the potato was Indian, the oil was Indian, it was being made in a bloody Indian house…but I might be getting a little too sensitive) I used to be the kind of person who would actually ASK for seconds when it came to those hot Aloo parathas with those big melting blobs of butter on them. And being a patriotic Indian cricket fan who is supposed to congenitally hate the Pakistani team, I used to actually admire Inzamam “aloo” Huq’s batting.(btw, I always wondered why such an innocent, harmless, seemingly peaceful hippopotamus faced bloke changed into a VIOLENT BLOOD THIRSTY MONSTER when someone in the stands called him Aaloo… Now I totally empathise)
Baaah… look at me now. I used to be a food lover…… A person who lived to eat… Now I grimace and wince everytime my stomach starts to rumble in hunger. I know that there is going to be SOME form of aaloo in the meal…
Heres what a typical day’s menu looks like
Breakfast( 8:30-9:00)
AALOO Paratha (very generous stuffing I must say) + curd
OR
Poori and AALOO Bhaaji
OR
Masala Dosa (no guesses as to what the Masala is made up of!!!...Theres so much Masala in it that it bulges out of the sides andit makes me puke to even think of it…)
OR
AALOO poha (poha = beaten rice… You have to search for it in the mixture really… )
Morning snack(10:45-11:00)
VADA PAAV --> For the record, the only thing I like less than vada paav is Britney Spears’ music and seeing Hrithik Roshan’s face. YES YES…I’m NOT kidding…
It is the most HIDEOUS food item EVER created. For all those lucky(read: ignorant about the whereabouts of VP) people, it is this disgusting blob of blaaaaaaaand mashed potato(not very well mashed also cos very often you get HUGE chunks of potato half the size of Zimbabwe coming into your mouth….ewwww) hurriedly placed between the local bread (paav). You must have heard of people asking for SCOTCH with mineral water and then as an after-thought telling the waiter to hold the water…. Well….In my case, with regards to Vada paav, it is NOT an after thought and I without fail ask the vada paav vendor to hold the Vada. It is at this point when I invariably get a very very very hurt look from him. Almost as though I stamped all over his ego and spat on it before kicking it into a pile of shit. Gosh…I really hate Vada paav..is it obvious?
OR
AALOO Samosa Paav. Slightly more tolerable as this gets remotely tasty at times
LUNCH (2:00-2:30)
Oh boy…heres where the REAL bit starts.
It would be a real shame if I spoil this part by saying that the only thing that they serve in the canteen without potatoes in it is the water…. But that could also be partly incorrect as I have actually seen that canteen chap remove thi humongous raw potato out of the jug before pouring me a glass of water.
Anyway… Heres what we get with AALOO PARATHAS at lunch(any one or more of the following Sabjis
1)AALOO capsicum
2) AALOO gobi
3) AALOO methi
4) AALOO jeera
5)Dumb AALOO (muhuhahahaha…I actually like this one…...............NAAAAAH)
6) AALOO cabbage
7) AALOO with beans
8) AALOO Raitha
9) AALOO rice
And not to forget, last but not the least,
10AALOO AALOO (this one is the chef’s specialty really…he outdoes himself everytime)
Then depending on the starch intake of the day, I make the all important decision of whether I should have a snack in the evening or not.(I’m a budding manager after all…Managers take decisions)
If I’m hungry (which is almost always the case…but sometimes I force my brain to think that Im not hungry…) I end up having AALOO bhujiya or AALOO Bonda along with a steaming cup of tea(the saving grace of the meal)
Dinner which happens anytime between 8 and 10 consists of pretty much the same things that were available for lunch.
So people...now you must be knowing why my Gmail profile is almost invariably anti AALOO ?Yup...You got it right... I'm at war ... This is the STARCH war... And I will win I tell you
* Yells a blood curdling war cry and attacks the enemy with a knife *
Cheers..... good night
P.S. In a study conducted in MIT, it was proved that a person gets demented when spotted around potatos at all times. Unfortunately, we dont know much about it as the people who conducted the experiment met their demise in the most gruesome way known to man. The Autopsy reports claim that the cause of death was Starch poisoning but I wont be surprised if a piece of potato jumped out of their plates and stabbed them to death....
